Seven Simple Rules for The Hookup

Sunday morning in Chocolate City dawned bright and beautiful, with nary a cloud in the sky. The birds were chirping, the sun was shining and the air was cool and dry. It was the perfect day for a good old fashion gutting…

An acquaintance of mine asked me to set up a three-way because he wanted to get freaky. Typically your Brista doesn’t encourage such foolishness. I am not Vera Walker and he sure as hell wasn’t Sunshine,

but he was a cutey with a big booty, a Dominican who loved to get plunged,

so I said what the hell, but like Bell Biv Devoe once said, “Never Trust a Big Butt and a Smile”! My buddy and I are sitting there waiting for this dude to show up, dicks hard.

This hoe texts me 20 minutes after he was supposed to be at my house talking some shit about his brother showed up unexpectedly and could we reschedule.

Hell no we can’t reschedule. I’m poor, black, I may even be ugly, but I damn sure ain’t stupid! You live 45 minutes away from me, so you should have already been gone before your brother allegedly showed up. And even if I DID accept that he showed up, all you had to do is text me.

I shoulda never given that bitch my real cell number.Luckily I can block that hoe in iOS7. I see now, I am gonna have to set some ground rules so you hoes know how to behave when we hook up. These are MY rules, not yours, so don’t go getting your panties in a bunch.

Rule 1: My Time is Valuable

So now the big booty Dominican kid is blowing up my cell trying to come over. Well that ship has sailed. I don’t know about you, but I have shit to do with my life. I don’t sit around all day wating for trade to come through. If we agree that we are fuckin at noon, have your monkey ass at my place by noon! I’m done! Hold on, I got an incoming message from the big booty Dominican …

Well, maybe I’ll give him a second chance!

Rule 2: Have your own transportation

There is a subway station four blocks from my house. I will pick you up from there. I am not running a Hussy Shuttle Service! These kidz want your Brista to come scoop them up, bring them back to my place, and then take them back home. Gas is expensive, and the sex might not even be good.

Who is this blowin’ up my text? Hold please…

Well, maybe I got a little time…

Rule 3: My House is not a Hotel

Chateau Dominion offers a hot towel upon the completion of coitus, and ONE pre-coital cocktail. Chateau Dominion does not offer a full buffet, or unlimited beverages, or free wifi and cable. In other words, don’t come over asking to take a shower after we fuck. You can do that wherever it is that you pay rent. Don’t think you can raid my liquor cabinet or my fridge either.

#jesusbeafence

Rule 4: If you are under 25, I need to see some ID

I admit it, I like ‘em young, but not too young! Your Brista has too much at stake to risk going to jail for some underage trade. Unlike some people, I don’t have that Sesame Street money to keep these young hoes quiet. So if you don’t remember when Janet was a Jackson, I’m gonna have to see some identification!

Rule 5: Move your fuckin hand!

Your Brista has what you might call a lazy jaw. I don’t particularly like sucking most dicks. I’d much rather eat your ass, fuck you, spank you, and torture your nips. A good blowjob is an art form and I would rather leave the work to the professional blowcierge.

This IS NOT proper form or technique:

Sir, this is more handjob than blowjob. Despite your uniform, I feel forced to make a citizen’s arrest! Let’s watch L’il Papi show us how it’s done.

The following are also acceptable:

Any questions?

Rule 6: Arch your fucking back

According to the Getting Gutted Book of Manners, authored by Some Hussies Who Fuck Alot, when getting fucked doggy style, the correct position is as follows…

To re-iterate:

Rule 7: Keep your fluids to yourself!

Some people love cum. I am not among them. I have never tasted my own, and have only tasted the cum of another through trickery. Once upon a time, I was feeling froggy so I leapt into Malcolm X Park for an evening frolic. I had still not fully come to terms with my lazy jaw so I agreed to suck this dude’s dick since he had just sucked mine. It was the polite thing to do! After about 12 good pumps, this motherfucker grabs the back of my head with both hands and holds me so that my head can’t move, then proceeds to cum in my mouth. A LOT of it!!! I came close to killing a man that night, and the only thing that saved me was having to explain how I came to be in that park that night.

Anyhoo, so when you cum, I am gonna need you to catch that shit! I have thrown bitches out of Chateau Dominion for dropping their load on my rug.

And no, you sure as hell can’t cum on my face, or in my mouth or on my feet. I knew I was in love with my boyfriend when he came on my chest one time and I was perfectly fine with it. The demise of that relationship is a sad tale for another day best told over very strong cocktails.

So there you have it, ladies, gentlemen, and lady-gentlemen. Govern yourselves accordingly. Feel free to drop me a comment here, Facebook, Twitter, or Tumblr. You can also catch me this Thursday @ 8pm eastern on PapiChuloRADIO.com. I will be a guest co-host on the Reali-TEA Radio Show.

Your Brista is about to blowupuate!

Side note: Although I appreciate the love on Facebook, I’m not here for the foolishness. This kid from West Africa friended me and then asked me to sponsor him to come to the United States. I think you can guess my response.