The Cockblock, Lesson Two: How to Recognize a Hater

Good afternoon, class! I hope you enjoyed Indigenous People Genocide Day, AKA Feed Their Babies to Dogs for Food Day, BKA Columbus Day. Seriously, Christopher Columbus was an awful AWFUL person! But I digress…

When last we met, I had just finished recounting one of the oldest stories in the world…

Dom meets sub in a leather bar.

Sub gives Dom his panties.

Boys slob each other down.

Dom fingers sub and wants to fuck him, but as soon as he turns his head…

Sub’s friend cockblocks, so instead of…

Dom is stuck in his hotel room…

Like I said, the oldest story in the world, and it begs the question: What does a hater look like? Let’s get into it shall we?

The first thing you should know is that a hater is always mad and/or pissed off and is always selfish. Recognizing them and avoiding them is key if you want to get some dick and/or ass. They come in at least three varieties.

We all came together, we all leave together

This particular hater is pissed off because you met a date at the club, or the gym, or the gloryhole, or the park, or church, and they didn’t. They will cockblock in subtle ways like casually mentioning your ex’s name in a way that makes it seem like there is still something there. The might even start crying or telling you some sob story designed to make you as unhappy as they are.

They might also stand way to close and not give you the time you need to seal the deal, or if you try to move away, they do everything possible to find you.

These are but some of the ways that haters hate. There are two ways to handle this particular type. If the hater drove, tell them you’ll catch them on the other side and leave with the date as quickly as possible. If you drove, give that hoe 20 bucks for cab fare and leave, again, as quickly as possible.

Ain’t Nobody Fuckin’ ‘Til I Get Fed!

Your pets and your children have ZERO fucks to give about you and the action you are trying to get.

Although they often block out of need, pets, and especially children, can get jealous of the time you spend with someone who is not them. The solution: a night with the in-laws, or a little bourbon in the bottle. Just kidding, Benadryl works better and is less likely to alert Child Services, when used sparingly.This is real life, not a Sitcom

Kids, I need you to get close to the TV and listen real good:

Only on TV does slow and steady win the race. Yes, the Nerdy Guy got the Girl on Friends after literally two decades of slow and steady pursuit, but in real life, Rachael would have gone to the club one night and met some big-dicked Italian dude and Ross would have been stuck holding his rocks, literally (He was a geologist). Or Joey would have fucked her!

Only on TV does the nerdy PhD get the beautiful and kind of slutty actress (aka the Hot Chick). In the real life Big Bang Theory, the Hot Chick dated and fucked SUPERMAN, not the guy who used to play David on Roseanne.Only in the fictional Brooklyn does the attractive but dumb girl from Minnesota with big titties fall for the homespun handyman. In real life, Maxine would have taken Synclaire to some club in Harlem and she would have gotten fucked by some big –dicked Jamaican dude…

…and forgotten who the fuck Overton Wakefield Jones was. Or Khadijah would have fucked her.

The point is, there is a window of opportunity in which you must seal the deal or risk losing it all when another motherfucker swoops in and goups your game!

In my case, the dude’s friend was pissed because he brought the date to the club, thinking he was gonna fuck him later. He had seen too many TV shows and thought he could pull some sitcom shit by bringing a date that he hadn’t properly dicknotized first.

That was his first mistake. The second mistake was to bring a tight-bodied, caramel-colored date with righteous cum gutters and pretty eyes into a leather bar and not guard him like a hawk. Trust me, I was all over that brotha like a cheap suit, and his friend was never around. Big Daddy swooped in and almost snatched dat ass! The moment I saw that brotha I made it my business to let him know that I wanted to fuck him. I knew the rules of the game and the Number One Rule is Strike While the Iron is Hot, also known as Fuck Him Now, because You Might Not Get to Fuck Him Later!

Once his friend saw that I was getting the key to the private bathroom, he belatedly remembered the Number One Rule and so he blocked me. I found out later that he had a history of bringing dates to the club and then getting pissed when someone else snatched them up. Perhaps he finally learned his lesson, and although it was at my expense, I must compliment him.

And yet, my spirit is unvexed. I am not an expert on everything in life, but I do know this:

Any dude that gives you his underwear in the club within five minutes of meeting you is going to let you fuck him!

Any dude who allows you to lead him into the club’s dark room is going to let you fuck him!

Any dude who lets you finger him in front of people is (say it with me)… going to let you fuck him!

Far from being worried or upset, I’m on to the next one. The problem with his friend was that he was trying to date him. I was just visiting and trying to get my dick wet. I was on vacation. I wasn’t looking to fall in love, I was looking to fall into some ass. Well, not so much fall as glide smoothly and deeply in and out.

Some of you bleeding heart bitches might say I’m being too tough. Dominion, you say, it’s kind of fucked up to leave a friend like that. Well maybe it is, but every second you spend with that hater is a second you ain’t.

But Dominion, you say, I love my dog and my children are my life. This is true, but they can’t and SHOULDN’T…

But Dominion, you say, he told you later he had a boyfriend. Yes, he did. LATER. If everything had gone as planned, I would have fucked him and left him to his relationship problem. Now I am not a heartless sonofabitch, nor am I a home-wrecker, but I am not going to ask every dude with tasty lips and a throbbing prostate (I was in him deep) who gives me their underwear if they have a husband at home.

Oh, I see we have a question in the back.

“You never gave us your solution for the Sitcom Hater.”

Hmmm…

I should have fucked him in the dark room when I had the chance. Until next time, class dismissed!

Next week, we will talk about the kids down in Miami and all this Sizzle foolishness. In the meantime, feel free to drop me a comment here, Facebook, Twitter, or Tumblr. You can also catch me every Thursday @ 8pm eastern, co-hosting the Reali-TEA Radio Show on PapiChuloRADIO.com.