When Worlds Collide: Sizzle moves to South Beach

I cannot be held liable for the sexual napalm you are about to witness…

These pics are from the buffet of ratchetness, coonery, and poor judgment known as Urban Beach Week. It’s like Freaknik for people who never went to college. Every Memorial Day Weekend for the past 15 years, straight women and the straight-ish men they want to fuck gather on South Beach for a weekend of good, clean, Christian fun, to be fully documented 9 months to 2 years from now in episodes of the Maury Povich Show.

That same weekend, back across the McArthur Causeway, downtown Miami plays host to Sizzle, a similar buffet of ratchetness, coonery, and poor judgment, except with way more butch kween realness.

It’s Blatino Oasis for the kids who couldn’t take time off from work or afford the flight to Palm Springs, but with just as much…

andAnyhoo…

Dwight Powell, CEO and Founder of Sizzle recently announced that the event will move to South Beach. I can see it now…

The kids turning it on Ocean Drive…

…and losing their mind over the straight trade wandering the streets freely!

Young kweens awkwardly coming on to straight-ish men…… and chicks trying to fight the kids for looking at their man wrong, or even worse, trying to fight their man for looking at some dude!

And of course, more fucking and sucking than you can throw a stick at. Well, at least for the men. The women will be left to wander the streets alone…

But I will not be there, and here’s three reasons why. BTW, this is the time in our program for just the tiniest bit of…

Baby, this whole arrangement sounds like a recipe for disaster. You have a bunch of horny homosexuals trying their best to pick up dates. You also have a bunch of horny women trying to pick up THE SAME dates. Then you have the dates that everyone is trying to have, some of whom WE ALL KNOW are trying to be had by the kids, but don’t want their boys to know. Madness and conflama are sure to ensue!

Then you have these kids trying to be grand on a budget. These hoes have electric bills, car payments, and rents that went unpaid so that they could pretend to live the lifestyle of the rich and famous for one weekend. I’m at dinner giving you my best Rich White Woman,

while these hoes are asking for tap water with LOTS of lemons, and hot tap water to clean their silverware.

On top of that, the black gay community ain’t but so big, so why would I pay extra to see these hoes when I travel, when I could see them for regular prices at The Mill, or The Fireplace, or Bulldogs, or Alberts? Black gay clubs love to gag a babe with a price increase during Pride. I wish I would pay $30 to get into the same club I paid $5 to get into last week.

And the crowds! Baby, if I want to go to Miami, I just rent a villa with a group of friends. Yes, sometimes that villa is better known as the Red Roof Inn, but that is neither here nor there. The point is, any city that hosts a Pride is guaranteed to be more fun every other day of the year. Haulover Beach in Miami is so much more peaceful without the throngs of over-dressed negroes who descend Memorial Day weekend.Atlanta is so much more fun when you don’t have to fight the hordes of homosexuals that flock there Labor Day weekend. New York City is so much more exciting without the literal sea of people that come for Pride in June.

Well, perhaps there is an exception to be made here. At any rate, at least the trade won’t have to make that trip across the causeway anymore. Methinks the Miami Beach Police will be dealing with a lot more

and

For that, we thank Mr. Powell. I know one thing is for sure. Black Twitter and Black Facebook will be on fire!

Next week, we will discuss the different kinds of people you meet at Black Gay Pride events, and that you will be sure to see at Sizzle. In the meantime, feel free to drop me a comment here, Facebook, Twitter, or Tumblr. You can also catch me every Thursday @ 8pm eastern, co-hosting the Reali-TEA Radio Show on PapiChuloRADIO.com.