Love’s Labors Lost, or Why It Didn’t Work Out

My poor, poor baby! Once again, we find ourselves in the midst of brunch at our favorite spot. Here I am trying to get gracefully fucked-up off bottomless mimosas and bloody marys,

while you are crying into your soft-scrambled eggs over the demise of your latest “relationship”. You are fuckin with my buzz, so before you get too deep into your “These Muthafuckas Ain’t Shit” diatribe, let me get you all the way together REAL Quick. To paraphrase Katt Williams, it’s not that muthafuckas ain’t shit; it’s just all the muthafuckas YOU fuck with.

Luckily, Ya Brista is here to guide you through the top five reasons your relationships never seem to work out.

Reason #1: It was never a relationship to begin with

If the description of how the two of you met includes words or phrases such as A4A, Jack’d, Grindr, bath house, sex party, orgy, threesome, Pride, ATL, Sizzle, bar, club, his wife, his girlfriend, or bathroom, you weren’t dating that dude; you were having an extended series of hookups. Is it possible to meet a guy on Grindr and build a relationship? It could happen. Is it possible to meet someone at a sex party and end up dating them? It’s not impossible. Could you go to Pride and meet the love of your life. In theory, yes. The problem is that the circumstances under which you met this dude were sexual.

Yes, you went to the movies occasionally, sometimes to the club, but most of the time, all you did was fuck, because that’s all you ever had in common. If you can tell me what his dick looks like and describe in exquisite detail how it feels when he digs you out, BUT you can’t tell me that hoe’s middle name, you weren’t in a relationship. If you can draw an accurate picture of his asshole and tell me the sound he makes when you hit that spot, BUT you can’t describe what his apartment looks like in the daylight, you were not in a relationship.

Reason #2: He was married

Speaking of not really being in a relationship…

Baby, didn’t I warn you a couple of weeks ago about fuckin with married men? This is what happens. Now you have feelings for some married trade and you are pissed off he won’t leave his wife/girlfriend to be with you. Why should he?

If he leaves his wife, now he has a pissed-off ex who is going to EXTRA vindictive when it comes to supporting the children they share. He has to explain to his parents, his grandmother, and his congregation why he is leaving his wife to go live with a man. He also has to explain to all his other hoes why he is settling down with you and not them. Perhaps worst of all for him, he has to explain to all the other Apostles why he has to skip the sex party after the Presiding Bishop speaks.

Reason #3: The Representative vs. The Reality

GUUUUURL! You just met this dude a month ago. Why does he have a key to your apartment? Why would you let him move in so soon? He must have dicknotized you real good! Baby, there is a reason that many relationships end soon after a couple moves in together.

When you are dating someone, especially for the first several months, you are not meeting the actual person, you are meeting their Representative. The Representative always smells good and laughs at your jokes. He compliments your cooking and appears unbothered by your “quirks”. Most importantly, the Representative doesn’t fart in front of you. When the two of you move in together, suddenly he seems less interested in your cooking, and who could blame him. Your spaghetti with Ragu was cute the first time, but I’m gonna need you to learn how to do more than just throw pasta into water and throw canned sauce over it. He has also discovered that what was quirky on a date is actually full-blown crazy when you live together. Not that he is a bag full of sunshine his damn self. Yes, he always smelled good when you were on a date with him, but living with him, you find that he is a dirty disorganized mess with bad credit, who farts ALL THE TIME.

Reason #4: Change

Now that you are living together, you decide to turn into Captain Save A Hoe. Well darling, everyone who is in the water isn’t drowning, and everyone who is drowning doesn’t want to, or can’t be saved. And even though he said he would change.

Well, I am here to tell you that people don’t change. They evolve. Slowly. Over the course or months and years. And they don’t change because some nagging harpy says so or because you withhold sex. Trust me, if you tell your man no more ass until he stops leaving his dirty clothes on the floor, he will find a dude that will let him nutt all up in him and does not give even a single fuck about his socks as long as he is getting dicked down lovely.

If you tell your man no dick until he starts doing the dishes, he will go right back to the monthly sex party where he met your ass,

and you will find him doing the dishes while Dick Longwood is making sure his pipes are clean.

Reason #5: Your friends keep sabotaging your relationships

Darling, this is perhaps THE MOST IMPORTANT reason your relationships keep failing. Remember those bitter bitches who didn’t want you to go and get your life at IML?

Have you ever asked yourself why they are so bitter? Baby, you should never take advice from a bitch who can’t keep a man! That’s like going to a dentist with fucked up teeth, or working out with a fat trainer.

These hoes fall into two categories. First you have the ones who can’t recognize the fucked up patterns in their own lives. Their advice is well-intentioned, but misguided, because if they can’t make their own relationships work out, who are they to offer advice on yours? It’s like talking to a life coach whose own life is fucked up. The second category is The Mean Girls. They live to sabotage the lives of others. They will purposely give you bad advice so they can have fun at your expense, or they might be waiting in the wings for your relationship to fail so that they can take your man. They listen to everything you say about your man and use that information to get what they want. Remember how Kelly Price warned us, before she was booked?

Dammit, now I have gone and lost my buzz. So what have we learned from this?

1. A hookup rarely turns into a relationship
2. Close your legs to married men (I cannot emphasize this enough)
3. Slow it down and stop moving so fast
4. Stop trying to change hoes
5. Be careful of the company you keep and who you confide it

With that in mind, go say hello to that cutie who was looking at your ass while you were getting your omelet made. I am not sure, but I think he might be interested…

Drop me a comment here, Facebook, Twitter, or Tumblr. You can also catch me every Thursday @ 8pm eastern, co-hosting the Reali-TEA Radio Show on PapiChuloRADIO.com.

Also I am pleased to debut the first story in the Alex and Alonzo Series. Alex and Alonzo: A Love Story is the tale of two men who meet on the subway one night and feel that instant attraction. What starts as a single night of kinky eroticism turns into a love story full of twists and turns that neither of them expects. The First Night is the tale of the night Alex and Alonzo meet, and gives the reader peak into the world of two men who connect on a very deep, primally sexual level.

Available on amazon.com for the Kindle and the Kindle App for all tablets and smartphones, including iphones, iPads, Android devices, Nooks, and Blackberrys.