Fairy Tales, or Gay Bar Adventures

Once upon a time, in a land not far enough away, the reigning King of the Leathermen, His Royal Highness TopDolla ONYX, He of the Sickening Absdecreed in his wisdom that his subjects should join him on a St. Patrick’s Day tour of one of the outlying provinces, the strange and mysterious land of Fairies known as the 17^th Street Bars.Now Ya Brista loves Fairies, but does not frequent the 17^th Street Bars, because they are filled with the kind of Fairies Ya Brista can’t take, but since HRH had decreed, I sucked it up, put on my best High Cow,and hopped in my carriage along with a few friends for an evening of fun and excitement with the 17^th Street Fairies. After driving around for an hour trying to find parking for the carriage, we joined the tour already in progress at a place called D.I.K. Although fairly unassuming from the outside, as we climbed the stairs, we realized that this D.I.K. was pretty big, and we all know how much Fairies love big D.I.K.!

At the top of the stairs, we encountered our first denizen, Already Drunk Fairy.

Even though we all just arrived, this Fairy has already left tipsy and is already well on the way to being fucked up, and not in a gracefully tore up way, like Ya Brista!Not only is he drunk, he is also handsy, using his liquid courage as cover to stumble drunkenly into people and “accidentally” cop a few feels. He is destined to get his ass kicked for stumbling into Blackout Rage Fairy,who gets waaay too pissed when Mr. Already Drunk touches his boyfriend’s ass. Luckily, Ya Brista would be long gone by then, because HRH decided, shortly after I arrived, that we should move on to our next destination, JR’s.Now Ya Brista had heard of this place, but had never been before, and the moment I walked in, I knew why, as I felt my energy level fall by 20%. Fairies can be very draining as a rule and none more so than Fairies who aren’t nearly as fancy as they think they are. JR’s was full of just that sort.

The moment the King and his entourage walked in, all eyes were on us. Fairies of a different tribe, we moved with an unbothered air, unfettered by the need to conform to the generic aesthetic of gay culture.The JR’s Fairies saw our free spirit and instinctively tried to crush it, or at least they thought about crushing it. Those Fairies knew better than to say anything, lest they get their chins checked, and so they parted before us like the Red Sea. Even so, the spot was so jammed packed that we could hardly move,and yet there were these roving packs of twinkswho always seemed to be standing between me and the bar.I mean, REALLY!! Must you take yet another selfie of you and your basic bitch friends? You look EXACTLY the same as you did 3 seconds ago, for fuck’s sake! Finally, I just low-key brushed past them, and by “brushed past”,I mean elbowed the closest Fairy in the temple so I could get a goddamn drink, but even the taste of sweet, sweet likka that wasn’t a relief from the constant din of pretentious foppery. As I ordered my drink, my buddy took his shirt off, which prompted some Abercrombie Fairy, who identified himself as the manager, to pipe up in his shittiest “Valley Girl”-cum-“The Hills” voice, “Ummm… excuse me! You can’t take your shirt off in here!”Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan! It’s a goddamn GAY BAR!!! We had only been in that bitch for 20 minutes and I was beyond over it, but HRH was in the corner beingso I bounced upstairs where I marinated on cocktails number 2 and 3, while watching Lady Gaga and Britney Spears videos on the flat screens and dying a little inside. Just before I was about to chew my wrist, Mama Pope-style, HRH announces its time to go. Huzzahs all around!We were off to the next spot, Number 9, which I assume stood for the number of incarnations this particular bar had gone through. It seemed like it had a new name every other week. Unlike D.I.K. and JR’s, Ya Brista had been here several times before so I was prepared for the crowds, and even though they were playing the same trite videos, I was numb to it. Number 9 was also home to a fancier, more seasoned species of Fairy that I knew very well.Still, after wandering over half of Gay Town DC, Ya Brista (and just about everyone else) was just about over this adventure, so when His Highness announced it was time to go, we set off gladly to our last stop, The Green Lantern.Walking into the Green Lantern was like taking a load off, like walking into a gay version of Cheers. Although there were just as many selfie-taking Fairies, and even crappy pop videos downstairs, the monitors upstairs played porn, as god intended! The music wasn’t bad either. More importantly, the energy was soooo much better and everyone seemed so much nicer, if not a tad drunker, than at all the other places we had been that night.

It was in that moment that I saw His Highness’ plan. In his wisdom, he wanted his subjects to get out and mingle amongst the common folk. He wanted us to see that they weren’t all the silly and pretentious guggles (gay muggles) many of us thought. He wanted the guggles to see that leatherfolk weren’t big scary monsters intent on beating them senseless. He wanted us all to just get along.