No Jack City, or Lies about Masturbation, Part 1

Have you ever lied about masturbating? Well this is for you…

In celebration of National Masturbation Month, let’s take a magical journey back to a time when Ya Brista was less free and gave too much of a shit about what other people thought…‘Twas a warm fall night in the Paddyfoote Quad at Florida A&M University. The year was 1989. A group of freshmen sat around having another of those “Get-to-Know-You” conversations that men and women have when they are trying to determine who was down to fuck feel one another out. As a prenatal homosexual, Ya Brista was content to sit on the edges of the conversation, because I had no interest in any of the women, and was too afraid of what would happen if I said anything to any of the men. Somewhere along the line, the conversation turned to sex, as it always did, and thus began the lies. FAMU had apparently managed to assemble the single most virginal group of Negroes on the planet, because to hear them tell it, none of the women sucked dick, and none of the men ate pussy. At some point, one girl asked all the guys assembled, “Do you masturbate?” I have thought about that moment several times over the years, and wondered why, to a man (including me), everyone said no. Clearly every man in that room was lying, but why did I lie?

I can’t say for sure when it happened, but somewhere along the line, though, I learned not to talk about jacking off, but I do know that by the time I got to FAMU, I did it A LOT!! I lived for the moments when my roommate had an early class so I could have a few minutes to myself togather my thoughts, and boy, did FAMU give me a lot to think about,like the Army ROTC guy with the big dick and phat ass who loved to parade around naked in the shower room. Most people wore underwear or towels to and from their dorm room to take a shower. Not him! Quite a few mornings, I opened my door to the sight of him strolling to or from the shower room, not a care in the world. I would often have to close the door and take a few minutes to collect myself. Something about the fact that he later was expelled for beating up his roommate AND his roommate’s father only made my subsequent jackoff sessions more intense, but none of that answers the central question: why did I feel the need to lie that night?

Clearly it was because I wanted to conform. Since everyone else said no, I didn’t want to look like a freak by being the only one who said yes. Of course, it’s different now. I am proud to let my freak flag fly! What I didn’t know then that I know now is that by being truthful I would have attracted other freaks to me. Perhaps if I had been honest, I might have gotten to sample that Army ROTC dude’s cakes before he got expelled. Even all those years ago, I knew I loved an angry bottom, but I said nothing.

At the time, masturbation was my only sexual outlet. I was a fat kid who found it easier to hide in a fairly transparent closet than get out and try to meet people, and as a consequence, I jacked off a lot! I jacked off when I was happy or needed to celebrate, when I needed to fall asleep fast, and even when I was sad and needed to comfort myself. I was a member of every video store in the city of Tallahassee that had an adult section because I was always in search of new jackoff material. Yes kids, there was a time where you actually had to go out and rent your porn! It certainly was The Dark Ages, but that was then and this is now.

I don’t get why, in this day and age, there are still gay men who lie about jacking off. ThaKiddz will tell you everything…how they sucked some guy off they met on Adam or how they nutted all up in another dude they met in the park, but they get all shy when it comes to talking about masturbation. It’s a little too late to play Paulina Pure Pussy after you’ve just finished telling us all the places your fluids have been!

Almost 25 years later and it would seem that not much has changed since 1989. Men, straight and gay, still lie about how much they masturbate or whether they even do it at all, which is curious to me, considering they can give you the names of their favorite porn stars. Hell, we live in a world where porn is a multi-billion dollar. What are we doing when watching all this porn if not jacking off? Who do you think you are fooling?

We will get into some answers to that question next week in Part Two.

So what, then, is the point of lying about masturbation, if “90% of men do it and the other 10% are lying about it”? Whom are you protecting? Masturbation is Awesome, and the sooner you learn that, the happier you will be! You need to get that off your chest, along with all of that cum.