Straight Girls in Gay Places: Cautionary Tales

Ya Brista is BAAAAAAACK! After a long and lovely hiatus filled with…I am drained of all my fluids ready to get back to going in and letting have. While I was away, I got to have a number of fun adventures (which you can find on my Instagram), and meet a number of VERY interesting people. As I am wont to do, I also made several observations (some of them cruel); chief among them is that straight girls are EVERYWHERE these days. From your favorite club, to Gay Pride parades, to the MUTHAFUCKIN LEATHER BAR,you can’t throw a dildo without hitting some straight girl, just standing there in the way, or even worse, acting like she fucking owns the place.

While I was on my break, I walked in the Capitol Pride Parade, which was lots of fun. I looked good in my favorite pair of boots (the ones with the heel that I love), even though they left my feet feeling like an exploded can of biscuits. As I looked out over the crowd, smiling through the pain of my throbbing feet, it suddenly occurred to me that there was a ton of straight girls in the crowd. In fact, I’d say they made up a significant fraction of parade goers, either that or DC has a PLETHORA of lesbians. Later that night, we went to ThunderDome, a leather/fetish party (shout out to Miguel, Nigel, Kyle, Kevin, and everyone else who made this party a success). We were having a wonderful time. Hoes were getting tied up and flogged and we were all just generally getting our life. All of a sudden, the space was flooded with all these straight girls.

I was dancing on the stage with a few friends and getting my crotch licked as I noticed more and more girls flooding into the spot and just as quickly as their numbers increased, ThaKiddz vacated the premises, and who could blame them? It’s hard tomake new friends while there is some chick that keeps bumping into you because her drunk ass can’t keep the beat. One of them even asked me to buy her a drink!I was actually at a loss for words for all of 3 seconds, which is an eternity for me. Was I supposed to be flattered by the opportunity to spend money on a complete stranger I had no intention of fucking? Luckily, my Resting Bitch Face said everything my mouth couldn’t!

Even worse, where straight girls go, straight guys follow. Normally, you’d think an influx of tipsy straight guys at a gay event would be a great thing because several of them are probably only an a half-second away fromhaving a new experience. Unfortunately, they had pussy on the brain that night, and they were looking at these straight girls the same way ThaKiddz were looking at THEM. Luckily, we held the high ground, literally, because we were on the stage, but as the mix of the party continued to shift, I knew it would not last. The tipping point came when the first straight girl got up on stage. Up to then, she had been yelling at me from the floor that she wanted to get onstage. I continued to ignore her ass, if for no other reason that the stairs to get onstage were like 4-5 steps to her right. When the rest of her drunk friends pushed her up, I knew immediately it was over. Once one gets up there, the floodgates were open.They had officially taken over the place and the battle was lost. As we licked our wounds, we pondered how the tide had turned so quickly. Well, Ya Brista is here to tell you that we have no one to blame but ourselves.

That’s right, straight women are everywhere in gay places because we invited them there! Like some shitty reality TV version of Will and Grace, you drug your straight girlfriend everywhere with you, and just like Jack on the titular television series, every time you showed up with her, your gay friends were like, “Here he comes with THIS bitch again!” Since they were raised right, they were nice to her and she warmed to ThaKiddz and the places they held dear, but every now and again, you still had to check her ass, like the time she got fucked up and cockblocked you while you were trying toget acquainted with a new friend.

Remember your favorite gay brunch place? What a wonderful place it used to be! Homos of every shape and size laughing and keekeeing while getting gracefully fucked up off bottomless mimosas and bloody marys. There was the dude giving face performanceswhile getting a third plate of bacon (no carbs, of course). Don’t forget Miss Thing who slayed the children every week with her ensembleAnd we could never forget the shady bitch in the corner who read the kids for filth and couponsIt was a veritable Gay Wonderland, but it all started to go downhill when you invited your Grace to tag along. You thought it would be cool, because she had hung out with your friends before and everyone had a good time. The two times you invited her, everything was fine, but by the third time, she started to get a little too familiar with ThaKiddz. While in the buffet line, she said, “Excuse Me, Gurl” and tapped the shoulder of a Dramatic Kween who stood between her and her piece of fried chicken. Being who she was, the Dramatic Kween did not take it too well.You didn’t invite your Grace back for a fourth time after that, but several months later, you walked in with your friends, and there she was with her girlfriends. The entire afternoon, your friends were looking at you,because they knew they would soon have to find another brunch place, and they were right. She did keep coming back, without you, of course. First it was her and her girlfriends, then her and her girlfriends and their boyfriends, AND THEN, her and HER HUSBAND and their kids. It snowballed and mushroomed until you and your friends couldn’t even get a reservation at the same restaurant you put on the map because your straight girlfriend and her friends had taken over the most sacred of gay spaces, the muthafuckin brunch spot!Yes! The MUTHAFUCKIN BRUNCH SPOT!!!

Now in this age of hypersensitivity, some of you will undoubtedly be all in your feelings. Some hoes with too much time on their hands and poor grammar will call Ya Brista a woman-hater or some other such foolishness. Well dears, here is the headline from the NoFucksToGive Times:It was all just a muthafuckin joke!