Seven Problems with X-Tube Videos
The Second in a series of Open Letters to some of the worst offenders in the world of porn:
Dear X-Tuber:
75% of the videos on X-Tube suck and you are part of the problem. It’s about time someone sat your ass down and let you know that this shit is UNACCEPTABLE and you need to do better. What is the problem? Well, I’m glad you asked.
- Yeah, I know we are there to watch you fuck or get fucked, but it’s a little distracting to see your piles of dirty clothes and shit in the frame. I’ll just assume that your body is as dirty as your room. Also, if you are gonna fuck in the bathroom, at least wipe the toothpaste spit off the mirror first. IJS!
- It’s hard to jack off when I am staring at that big-ass pimple on your ass. I’m gonna need you to take care of that before you start filming next time. This goes for other body parts, too. Put on some lotion, trim your nails, brush your teeth!
- I don’t need or want to see you jacking off. That’s what locker rooms, showers, and saunas are for. I also don’t want to see you twerking, posing, flexing, eating, dancing, singing, rapping, or booty popping. Put that shit on You Tube like a decent American! Either fuck someone, get fucked, of get off the goddamn stage!
Okay, I’ll make an exception
- What is the point of posting a video that is less than a minute long? Like a one-minute man, a one-minute video is just a dick tease and that ain’t cute. While we are at it, what the point of posts that are out of focus? Or shaky? Or too dark? Or has no sound at all? I mean really, you don’t have to post EVERY video you make if it’s not good!
- Turn off the fucking TV! I don’t want to hear the local news, TV commercials, or The Golden Girls in the background. If you must leave the TV on so your wife/girlfriend/children/ grandmother can’t hear you fucking, at least move the camera away from the TV. Really, the only acceptable sounds in your video should be you and your partner(s) noises or porn in the background. Speaking of noise…
- This is X-Tube, not MTV! I don’t want to hear Trina or Li’l Kim or Beyonce as the soundtrack to my jack-off session. I know you THINK you are making some sort of high concept art piece, but no. Perhaps you are living out some sort of Thug Mistress female rapper fantasy through this video, but I really don’t care. Your purpose here is to make good amateur porn videos, not shitty porn music videos. On a related point…
- You are not the next porn Spike Lee. Just because your video editing kit came with a bastard amber (s/o to JW fans) filter doesn’t mean you have to use it. Nor do you have to do all sorts of fancy rotated text and other foolishness. Just put the camera on a flat surface or in a pair of steady hands, and get to fuckin’!
Just in case it hasn’t been made clear, the purpose of X-Tube is to provide jack-off material. We are not here for your artistic vision. We don’t care about your female rapper fantasies. All we want is to see you plunge and/or get plunged. If you can’t get into that, then GET OFF THE STAGE.
With love and just a touch of shade,
Dominion ONYX
