Liar, Liar, or The Web of Deceit, Part One

A Public Service Message to all the Basic Bitches

Baby, I’m gonna need you Adam, Grindr, Jack’d and BGC hoes to do better. Let me get you together about these lies you are telling in your profile.

Lie: I’m Bisexual

Chiiiiile Cheeeeeze! No one has EVER seen you with a woman, not your mama, not your sister, not your best friend, not even Jesus! Besides, you’re on Adam for fucking Adam. You came here to meet dudes. The guy you hook up with probably doesn’t care about what you do when you aren’t fucking him. Just admit it, you like dick. There is nothing wrong with that. On a related topic…

Lie: I’m on the DL

DL must stand for DeLusional.

Like we said, ain’t nobody ever seen you with a woman, but you are always going on vacation with your “roommate” or your “homie”. You wear a wifebeater and Timberlands, and your eyebrow game is impeccable. You frequent the gym 5 times a week, and one can’t help but note that you spend most of your time in the locker room. Remember, the kids you meet online are the same ones you see in the streets, in the club, at the gym, at the gloryhole, at the bookstore, in the park, at the sex party, and at Pride. Who EXACTLY do you think DOES NOT know your tea?

And for you Church Queens…

You may THINK that no one knows your tea because you only do your dirt at Convocation or when you are travelling out of town without your wife, but no. The kids are everywhere. When you checked into that hotel under a pseudonym, you were clocked by my Brista at the front desk. That one brotha from Grindr that you fucked, who is also on the DL, was just messy enough to send your shit to a blog after he saw you on TV.

Like I said, who EXACTLY do you think DOES NOT know your tea?

Lie: Mid-Fifties, but look like I’m in my 30s

No, sir, you don’t, and that’s perfectly fine. You need to get into the fact that you are 55 years old and be proud of that shit. Many people did not make it that far. You earned every line and wrinkle you have, so get into it. You need to get into the fact that those shallow enough to dismiss you merely because of how many times you have ridden this planet around the sun have automatically dismissed you. They are unlikely to change their mind because you say you look younger. You need to focus on those who are into you. Focus on the young dudes who like a more seasoned man. Focus on your contemporaries who want someone like themselves who aren’t about the bullshit. Focus on those who just like a good fuck from someone who knows what the hell they are doing!

Lie: I’m not into that gay shit

Guuuuuuurl! The web IS that gay shit. What, you think you’re better than everyone else because you don’t go to clubs or bars? Bitch, please. You are online looking for dick and ass just like everyone else. You don’t go to gay clubs, but on any given Friday night, we can find your ass in the park or the bookstore! Chile, please! You don’t get into that gay shit, but you are banned from every gym in the city for sucking dick in the sauna. You’re not into the gay lifestyle, but you just HAPPENED to be in Miami for Memorial Day and Atlanta for Labor Day. Riiiiiight!

Speaking of getting a grip…

Lie: I’m a Top

If this is your profile pic…

…or this…

…then…

Seriously, ma’am, I can see YOUR UTERUS!

Let me be clear. This is not about bottom shaming. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a bottom. They are my favorite sex partners. This is about you and your lies!

Your profile is the place where you advertise, through words and pictures, what you want to do and/or have done to you. If you post a pic of your wide-open hole, you can’t fault a brotha for assuming you want it filled with something. And there is nothing wrong with that. It does not make you less of a man because you like your prostate massaged from the inside. You can still be into all sorts of manly things and still like to get gutted on festive occasions like today or tomorrow. You just need to be honest about that shit. Hell hath no fury like the bottom who invited you over for some dick only to find you on his bed like this…

Even worse is the dude who waits until you are both naked to tell you he only likes getting his ass eaten and he doesn’t get fucked. To which I respond…

Stay tuned for next week, when we deal with more online profile fuckery, such as…

“No Pic/ No Chat guy who doesn’t have a pic”, “Married/ Girlfriend +++”, “HIV Unknown/Don’t Care”, “UnNEceSsarY cApiTaliZAtion GuY”, and “Dude who won’t take no for an answer”.

I swear, letting you bitches have it is exhausting! Feel free to drop me a comment here, on Facebook or Twitter.